All Pets Go To Heaven

by Barry KuKes

Like many pet owners, I believe all pets go to heaven and wait for us until we make our final journey. I also believe there is a special section of heaven just for pets; they are required to enter the pearly gates just like humans, but unlike humans whom St. Peter meets, pets are met by—wait for it —St. Bernard. Consider this scenario:

One evening in pet heaven, the gatekeeper, St. Bernard, was extremely busy and falling behind with his newly arrived animal interviews. Waiting in a long line to enter heaven were three female dogs. A Golden Retriever named Casy, a Poodle named Fiona, and a Chihuahua named Jasmine. St. Bernard approached the long line of animals waiting to be interviewed.
“I am very sorry for the delay and the wait. It’s been a very busy evening because a volcano erupted in South America, and many animals perished. Please be patient,” he announced and then departed.
About two hours later, St. Bernard finally reached the three female dogs in line.

“Okay, will the Golden Retriever please come forward to the podium and state your name? he asked.

“I’m Casy,” said the Golden Retriever.

“Casy, I am so sorry for the delay. I have been very busy this evening. Thank you for your patience,” said St. Bernard.

“Oh, don’t think twice about it, St. Bernard. I have been waiting my whole life to get to heaven. I can wait if you need more time. I don’t mind, really,” Casy said.

“Casy and I appreciate your kindness. I need to ask you one question before I can let you pass through the pearly gates. How do you spell God?” he asked.

Casy looked puzzled at first and then replied, “That’s easy. It’s G-O-D or DOG in reverse!”

“That’s correct, Casy. You may enter heaven now. Your human is waiting for you,” St. Bernard said.
As Casy ran off into heaven, St. Bernard called to the next dog.

“Will the white Poodle please come forward to the podium and state your name?” he asked.

The Poodle ran up to the podium and said, “My name is Fiona, but my owner calls me Fi-Fi for short.”

“May I call you Fi-Fi?” St Bernard asked.

“Oh, yes, sir,” she replied.

“Thank you, Fi-Fi. I want to apologize to you for the long wait. I have been very busy this evening. Thank you for your patience,” said St. Bernard.

“Please don’t give it a second thought. I would wait for as long as it takes to enter heaven. I am happy to wait,” she replied.
“That is very kind of you. I need to ask you one question before I can let you pass through the pearly gates. How do you spell God?” he asked.

She thought for a second and said, “G-O-D. It’s dog spelled backward.”

“That’s correct, Fi-Fi. You may enter heaven now. Your human will be joining you shortly,” St. Bernard said.
St. Bernard called for the next dog as the Poodle ran through the pearly gates.

“Will the Chihuahua please come to the podium and state your name?” He asked. The Chihuahua walked with an attitude to the podium.

“I would like to apologize for the wait…” but before he could finish his sentence, the Chihuahua went off on him in a fit of rage.

“I have been waiting to see you for hours. How dare you treat me like this! Do you know who I am? I’m Jasmine, and I have been a great dog down on earth. I only bit four people and six dogs. Don’t get me started on that cat episode. It wasn’t my fault the cat didn’t land on its feet when it fell out the window. Now, I demand to enter heaven immediately! No more waiting!” she shouted.

St. Bernard said, “Yes, of course. Again, I apologize for the wait. I need to ask you one question before I can let you pass through the pearly gates. How do you spell Czechoslovakia?”

Please adopt, don’t shop.

Barry KuKes is the former community outreach director at Halifax Humane Society. E-mail him at bkukes@gmail.com View more at minicooperproductions.com